Johnny Cash says "fuck you," I'm a man.
I've been reading Pete Hamill's memoir A Drinking Life, and it is very clear that Hamill is a man's man. So I got to thinking, what is a man's man? A term hard to define, (or is it?) but you know it when you see it. There are some prerequisites however, involving both looks and temperament, in order to qualify.
The first is that you absolutely cannot be British. Their whole way of speaking is too fey and finger up the ass, so they cannot qualify, unless we're talking about Patrick McGoohan from The Prisoner who has the British accent but was an American and manly to the core. Though Irish men absolutely qualify, and Canadian Bruce Greenwood makes it in.
Part of it is you can't be one of these pussies who obsess over petty things, you don't get depressed or sad because you're too goddamn fucking manly to do so, and you're able to kick the ass of anyone in front of you, yet men still like you. You also can't be too yuppish or too short, because such qualities are just asking for an ass beating. You also can't drink white wine but you can make your own salad dressing.
So here are some men's men who just reek of manhood everywhere they go:
Dan Schneider (poet and critic)
Marlon Brando (actor)
Robert DeNiro (actor)
Charlton Heston (actor)
Paul Newman (actor)
Russel Crowe (actor)
Vincent D'Onofrio (actor)
George Clooney (actor)
Gary Cooper (actor)
Werner Herzog (director)
Johnny Cash (singer)
Dick Proenneke (Alaskan Badass)
George Washington (1st President of the U.S.)
Teddy Roosevelt (26th President of the U.S.)***
Lyndon Baines Johnson (36th President of the U.S.)
Pete Hamill (Novelist)
William Kennedy (Novelist)
Ernest Hemingway (Novelist)
Gene Hackman (actor)
John Wayne (actor)
Orson Welles (director)
Kirk Douglas (actor)
Samuel L. Jackson (actor)
Max Von Sydow (actor)
Patrick McGoohan (actor)
Bruce Greenwood (actor)
Just the sight of him says "fuck you."Examples of anti-men's men:
Leonardo DiCaprio (actor)
Hugh Grant (actor)
James Frey (crappy writer)
Anyone trying to pass themselves off as a published poet or who has an MFA
Richard Russo (crappy writer)
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, being a man's man also means you kick ass in multiple ways, in that you're layered in confidence and you're good at what you do. So this leaves out pretty much any male published writer today with exception for Hamill and Kennedy.
Al Pacino, though as manly as he is, doesn't make the cut because he's only like 5'6". Though I'm sure if we were allowed to get close enough, or rather, if I could get close enough, I'd see he is in fact manly to the bone. *hee hee*
Also, Mark Wahlberg would have made it in had it not been for his career as Marky-Mark, and rumors that he's going to be starring in the anal-hemorrhage, estrogen-soaked schlockfest The Lovely Bones certainly doesn't help.
And George here, he's so goddamned manly that he led his troops overnight, crossing the Delaware, without any sleep, then kicked some British ass, (as he should) and didn't bitch once. Then, because he's so awesome, he gives up his privilege of ruling the U.S.A. because he doesn't need it. With that kind of fucking manliness, who would?
Hell, after writing all this, I feel as though I've just grown a pair.
Addendum*** Geoff suggested Teddy Roosevelt. How could I have forgotten ol' Teddy! Also, read more men's men.
